Our mothers don't understand any sentence in our pitch deck. Neither does our team.

We're D2C: Desperate to Convert.

We found the perfect product-market fit. Our product is inexistent, and so is our market.

Our most active user is a bot we forgot to disable.

We have a unicorn valuation and hamster execution.

After many months of hard work, we finally reached product-market confusion.

Our tech debt is so big it now has interests.

Our roadmap is a series of panic attacks with deadlines.

Our users loved the product… until they realized it wasn’t free.

We're agile, mostly in our ability to find new excuses.

Our go-to-market strategy is hope. And prayers.

We're agile: we run in circles, fast.

We’re not in stealth mode, just too behind to be seen.

We pivoted from a failed startup into a podcast about it.

Our KPI is just how many times we say 'synergy' in meetings.

We are fully bootstrapped. Mostly because nobody wants to fund us.

We got accepted into an accelerator. Now we burn money faster.

We have more decks than users.

Our MRR stands for 'Mostly Rhetorical Revenue'.

We reached a one billion dollars valuation. In Zimbabwean dollars.